on grief and loss

a gift from the parents of my first graders

So this is the first post I am sitting down to write since my Mom passed away almost a month ago. To say things have been difficult would be the understatement of the century. It's been and still is an on-going process. I have to take one day at a time and a few weeks ago I was barely functioning.

It just seems so strange that we are supposed to go back to "normal" after a few days when there is nothing "normal" about the situation. Some days I want to scream and other days I just break down into tears for no apparent reason.

To be honest I feel angry. I am angry that my Mom couldn't be there at my wedding two years ago, I'm angry that my family had to be put through the heart-wrenching process of watching my Mom decline, I'm angry that my Mom won't be there to see her future grandchildren being born or watching my sister get married or any other milestones along the way.

I know it's the holiday season and everything is supposed to be happy and bright and jolly but in my life it's not and that's just the way it is this year. I just am not feeling it in my heart- everything about this month seems half-hearted.

But for know I am just trying to accept my new life and try and move on the best we can. Luckily I have some amazing family and friends to help me as I try to figure all this out.
on 12/23/2012
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4 comments:

  1. I've been thinking of you a lot, Lauren. Wish we were closer so we could actually get together and I could give you real hugs.

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  2. I assumed from your Instagram pictures this is what happened. I'm so sorry Lauren! I can't imagine. You have me in tears. You have every right to be angry...you lost a big part of your heart. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  3. Oh and www.marriageconfessions.com has been dealing with the loss of her dad. She's been extremely honest and open. You may want to read some of her posts.

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  4. well this just sucks, and i'm sorry you have to deal with this, especially so close to the holidays. i know how you feel, with the anger, and the tears, and in no way should you feel expected to be jolly and bright.

    from experience as a young person losing a parent (august was one year for my dad) i can say it actually does get easier, but there are also moments like BAM it hits you. it really is not one day at a time, but moment. until those moments make up a day...does that make sense?

    thinking of you.

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